TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot wherever American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as Trump Tower Damascus "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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